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On Shame, Pride, and Prejudice

Writer: אילנה כהנא אילנה כהנא
Mar 10

On Shame, Pride, and Prejudice


From the moment our children are born, we, as parents, have a fantasy.


Usually, it resides in our subconscious and surfaces every time there’s a head-on collision between the fantasy and reality.


And there, right there, lies our opportunity to prove our unconditional love for our children.


It starts when they cry more than we expected.


It continues when they don’t develop at the same pace as the neighbor’s child.


It comes up again when behaviors emerge that make us wonder if the hospital switched our baby...


And then, shame and prejudices rear their heads, sitting opposite the fantasy of the child we so desperately wanted.


It’s not easy to be a parent in those moments.


And how is it to be a child to parents who are ashamed? To a society that doesn’t understand or accept your colors?


When a child reaches an age where we realize their self-image is negative, the questions arise.

Helpless parents seek tools for themselves and for the child or teenager who doesn’t understand why things are the way they are and not otherwise...


To raise a child with high self-esteem, you need to be a parent who sees the good. Who sees what is.


Who sees the true colors and loves them just as they are, in those colors.


No two are alike. Every child brings their own colors, both external and internal.


And over the years, their self-image is built first and foremost at home, in the safest place in the world. With their parents and family.


This month is Pride Month, and this year, due to COVID-19, there will be no parades.


Roi Yoldos-Reis wrote and published the children’s book "A Day of Pride," in which he writes about the Witch of Shame, who makes you hide your true colors. A wonderful book that tells the inner battle between the rainbow of colors and the Witch of Shame. It’s beautifully written, with flowing rhymes. The illustrations by Yossi Madar are colorful and clearly reflect the message. This is the first book in Hebrew written about Pride Day, and it’s a book that must be on the shelf in every home among the many books you read to your children.

Inside the book, you will also find an illustration of Kay Long (my sister), the colorful and amazing, together with her friends who have become an international symbol of pride.


The book "A Day of Pride" talks about our colors, about how we are equal yet different. About self-acceptance and self-esteem.


It reminded me of the song "True Colors" sung by Cyndi Lauper, who was the most colorful person in my youth.


The song plays in my head every time I meet parents and children who don’t see or reveal all their colors. And there is shame, anxiety, and low self-esteem, all covered by a layer of prejudices. "Stigmas," if you will. And those who walk through the world with low self-esteem don’t know how to be the best version of themselves.


But I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful



Look at ADHD children who, from a young age, understand that something about them is different, and the comments and criticism from their surroundings only reinforce that feeling.


Children with disabilities and impairments (hearing, vision, autism, any form of disability) all understand their differences from a young age. But in order to feel equal, they first need to recognize all their colors.

And, of course, teenagers who, from a young age, discover that their sexual orientation is different.


So let’s show our children their true colors.


Let’s filter out criticism, shame, and prejudices. Let’s make room for love and pride.


The goal: Parents who are proud of and love their children just as they are.


The ultimate goal: A child who loves and is proud of themselves exactly as they are.


And if we achieve these two goals, then salvation has come to Zion.


To purchase the book, click here.


Ilana Kahana - Parenting with Responsibility


Parenting Guidance | Coaching



 

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